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| In online communities and bulletin boards, where one can better cloak themselves in anonymity, even life-changing decisions are now open to review by strangers. PHOTO: 123RF/ THE KOREA HERALD |
SEOUL – “Do you think it’s okay to go for a test-drive of a Mercedes Benz car in track pants?”
Kim, a veterinarian in her 30s living in Seoul, posed the question via a yes-or-no poll on Instagram. To her relief, over 90 percent of respondents said, “Yes.”
“I didn’t want to give the impression that I can’t afford the car, which could make the dealer treat me unkindly. So I asked whether there is a dress code for these events,” Kim said.
Instagram and other social media platforms are filled with people like her, seeking approval, advice or validation from friends online over decisions big or small. They could be about choosing a lunch menu or deciding what to wear as a wedding guest.
In online communities and bulletin boards, where one can better cloak themselves in anonymity, even life-changing decisions are now open to review by strangers.
For Korean moms, online Naver cafes known as “mom cafes,” are popular destinations for seeking advice related to personal concerns, mostly about marriage life and parenting.
Questions like “Should I get a divorce?” “Is it okay if I have a second child?” or “Should I bring this up with the teacher?” can be easily found there.
Another common line of questions often asked in online spaces, not just by moms but by many, involves questioning the propriety of one’s feelings, such as, “Am I being too sensitive?” or “Isn’t this something I should be mad about?” These questions seek opinions from others on whether the person’s feelings in specific situations are justifiable.
In one apparent attempt, a Naver user wrote on her blog that she was angry with her best friend, who recently got married, because the friend — the bride — didn’t call or text to thank her for attending the wedding.
Addicted to external validation
Across the world, the pursuit of external validation has become a widespread phenomenon, with individuals seeking affirmation from others almost daily to bolster their self-worth. Referred to as addiction to validation, this phenomenon is closely tied to the integration of life with social media, where people can share personal moments, thoughts and decisions, inviting others to weigh in and offer their approval in the form of likes, comments and shares.
The power of social media is amplified when it meets Korean culture. With its strong emphasis on meeting societal expectations and conforming, the desire for external validation in Korea goes beyond mere recognition. It becomes a way to seek reassurance that one’s actions, choices and very existence align with others, ensuring acceptance within the group.
Experts identify deeper social nuances underlying Koreans’ craving for validation.
Culture critic Jung Ji-woo points to the way Koreans are raised from childhood.
According to him, most Korean children are not encouraged to learn from trial and error, which is key to developing a strong sense of self. Instead, they are expected to follow the guidance of adults — parents and teachers — prioritizing their opinions over their own. From eating habits to choosing hobbies and setting future goals, it’s not hard to find parents enforcing their advice on every little thing, believing they know better and that it’s in the best interest of their children.
“In Korea, children are (seen as) subordinate to parents. And Korean parents tend to project their goals or values onto their children,” said Jung, who has written several books about different sociocultural aspects of Korea, including “Angry Society,” published in 2016.
“Excessive parental control may help children perform academically, but it runs the risk of raising them to become self-conscious adults,” Jung noted.
Kim Hyun, an assistant professor of psychiatry at Columbia University’s Irving Medical Center, explains the concept of “enmeshment.”
Enmeshment occurs when the boundaries between individuals, or between an individual and their family, groups or society, become blurred. In such relationships, feelings, needs and expectations become overly intertwined, making it difficult for individuals to maintain autonomy and independence.
“All wearing the same school uniforms and studying for college entrance exam at private cram schools, Korean students learn to accept values upheld by their society, such as collectivism and academic elitism, in similar environments lacking individual diversity,” said she said. “Being educated to conform to others’ expectations, they are likely to grow into adults who equate their personal values with social standards, a psychological state known as ‘enmeshment.’”
“With a poor sense of self, many Koreans tend to take into consideration tacit social rules to feel accepted and fit into society.”
Spending for validation
What happens when one cannot find confirmation within themselves and instead craves even the smallest token of recognition from others?
Beyond social media approval-seeking posts, some Koreans turn to the immediate gratification of spending money and making purchases, or the boost these actions seem to provide to their self-image in the eyes of others.
Gong, a 29-year-old Seoulite, recently bought stickers that look like baggage tags passengers receive from airlines when they check in their bags.
Printed with fake barcodes and other information, including flight numbers and seat classes, more than 10 labels adhered to her suitcase made her to look like a veteran traveler.
“My husband and I will go on a golf trip to Vietnam next month with his friends and their wives. I just don’t want to look like an amateur (traveler) so I bought the fabricated ones,” she said.
Comparison culture on social networking sites acts as a catalyst for such validation-seeking spending, according to Heo Kyung-ok, a professor of consumer science at Sungshin Women’s University.
“A flood of social media posts boasting money or fame facilitate social comparison. In this competitive environment, buying luxury goods or other items envied by others is deemed a fast way of building their self-esteem,” she said.
“Shopping to impress others gives you the illusion that you are becoming a better person while your social status or salary are just the same as before,” Heo said.
For genuine self-satisfaction, one should focus more on nurturing a deeper connection with their inner self, said clinical psychologist Kim.
“If you fully accept yourself — both your strengths and weaknesses — you can become more resilient to situations where others’ judgments frustrate you.” THE KOREA HERALD/ANN
Source: Vietnam News/ Vietnam Insider